In Which Something Strange Occurs
by yumi michiyo
Summary: Sumire finds something strange in Kanna's room. Pure crack. Rated for extreme reactions and hinted sexual situations. Oneshot.


**Important Note:** This was originally written by **Curionene** (minor editing done by me), and is posted here with her permission because she doesn't have a account.

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The reactions towards the item at hand were all in-character.

Iris stared at it with a childish curiosity.

Kohran tilted her glasses until they became opaque, and poked at the said item with a strange sort of fascination.

Orihime grabbed it from Kohran and began to stretch it just to see how far it could stretch.

Reni analyzed it from a safe distance.

Maria shot the offending item out of Orihime's hands with one hand covering Iris' eyes. Once she was done, she carted the young one out much despite the sweetly whining protests.

Sakura, as proper of her ladylike disposition, blushed.

Sumire ignored all the commotion and grabbed the item off the floor, holding it up with a haughty sort of triumph, laughing her infamous laugh as if the item was proof of what she had suspected all along.

Which, technically, was what her now ongoing monologue was about.

"Ohohohoho! You see! This proves it! This proves _everything_!" She declared dramatically, waving the colourful package around fatalistically.

"Er… what exactly does this prove?" Orihime blinked, tilting her head in mild confusion

"Don't you get it?" Sumire pressed the package straight into Orihime's mildly disgusted face with a frenzied sort of excitement. "These are condoms! _Condoms_!"

"Condoms... a barrier device most commonly used during sexual intercourse to reduce the probability of pregnancy and spreading sexually transmitted diseases (STDs—such as gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV). It is put on a man's erect penis and physically blocks ejaculated semen from entering the body of a sexual partner." Reni clarified, much to the embarrassment of one now beet-root red Sakura.

"Kyah! You didn't need to explain it!" She squealed cutely, covering her face.

"Yes… condoms… but that isn't the point!" Sumire easily worked herself back into her frenzied tirade. "The thing is that this proves it! That gorilla monster Kanna is actually… a man!"

The sound of silence thereafter could have deafened the deaf.

"Who's a man?"

Sumire, too caught up in the moment, failed to realize that the object of their discussion was now standing behind them. "That freakishly strong gorilla of course!"

"Oh… you mean me?" Kanna raised an eyebrow, pointing at herself.

"WAH!" Sumire jumped, quickly sliding backwards into the wall at 300 km/s. "Where the hell did you come from?"

"The door?" Kanna deadpanned, pointing at the said wooden construction as if talking to a retarded 2 year old. "Anyway, what do you mean I'm a man? I'm very obviously a woman! Ya, know… a woman!" She prodded her heaving chest for emphasis – Sakura made a spluttering noise.

"Then why the hell do you have condoms in your room?" Sumire retorted, throwing the packet of the said pieces of rubber at Kanna, who caught it with much ease.

"Oh… these?" Kanna scratched her head, "I bought them thinking they were candy… oh hell, was I wrong… but then I found out that these were very useful for warm-up exercises! Look!" She took one out and began pulling on them. "They're so stretchy and durable!"

Just then, Ogami picked that precise moment to walk in – and caught a glimpse of Kanna's exercise tool.

"Kanna – ? Do you – w-w-what a-are you doing with... t-t-that?"

She blinked. "Oh, Captain. Didn't see you there." The Okinawan pulled another one out of its packet and flapped it about. "You want one?"

"I – no!" he spluttered. "Do you even know what _that_ is?"

Iris appeared in a flash of light and blinked up at him innocently. "No, Onii-chan, can you explain to me what that is?" She was followed by a panting, wide-eyed Maria in the doorway shortly after.

Ogami leapt up ten feet into the air, regardless of how there was a ceiling in the room, "W-w-what? No!"

"Holy... where did she come from?" Kohran whispered to Orihime, who shrugged, fingering the pretty packaging the condoms came in, mumbling something about it reminding her of Italian candy.

"Hmmf." The Chinese girl glanced over at Sakura; she appeared to be in neural shock.

"She appears not to be breathing. Dilated eyes... unresponsive motor functions... shallow heartbeat..." Reni observed, then put a finger to wipe a clear liquid off Sakura's chin. "She also appears to be... drooling."

Iris rushed over to Sakura's side in worry. "Kohran, do something!"

"Ehehehe... I know just the thing!" Kohran cackled, her gaze becoming dark and forebearing. And leaning over to Sakura's side, she whispered softly into the girl's ear.

There was ominous pause.

Then, rising up like the pale figure of death, she loomed over an unsuspecting Ogami, the soft chink of her sword being drawn loud in the impending silence, the white hot glint of rage shimmering in her eyes.

"Erk- Sakura...kun...?" Ogami cowered, droplets of sweat beginning to bead down his forehead.

"O-GA-MI SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?" the voice which crawled out of Sakura's was similar to that of a youkai's, or even possible, the devil... herself.

"YAH!" Ogami screamed as Sakura drew her sword, the metal flashing in the cold light, chasing after the misunderstood captain with a burning will.

Everyone watched them go, not daring to breath. They remained still, even when Kanna turned purple from lack of breath, the thunderous sound of her body crashing to the floor unnoticed by the other petrified members of the Hanagumi.

It was only when they heard the crash and a tortured scream that they dared to breath again. Sumire turned to Kohran, her eyes wide and curious. "What did you _say_ to Sakura?"

Kohran adjusted her glasses with a sneaky grin. "Oh... I just might have said something about... Ogami-han... and Kanna-han... _together_... in a place where those _things_ might have been _used_... hehehehe..."

And as expected, everyone shuddered. Except Iris, who patiently waited for someone to explain everything to her.

Just another day in the Teigeki.


End file.
